


Willow

by Confessions_of_a_Closet_Bibliophile



Category: Original Work
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Gen, Underage Rape/Non-con, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 13:52:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13436112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Confessions_of_a_Closet_Bibliophile/pseuds/Confessions_of_a_Closet_Bibliophile
Summary: “Is this okay?”Not really, but she’s still not lying because okay has a number of variable definitions."Yes."





	Willow

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [You Don't Have To (Say Yes)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5297936) by [luminousbeings](https://archiveofourown.org/users/luminousbeings/pseuds/luminousbeings). 



> Author's Note: 
> 
> Somewhat graphic descriptions of underage rape/non-con...if this is triggering to you, I would not read. Proceed with caution.

When Lien is three years old, Mama leaves Baba (or Father—Lien learns—but not the same Father that her friends have. Her Father is a “lying, cheating _wang ba dan_.” Mama slips into Mandarin when she’s tired or particularly angry), and they come to America.

Lien remembers keeping yummy cookies in a barf bag (a clean one, thank you very much) and staring wide-eyed out the plane’s weird little window. After their twin-jet lands, she eats an Oreo McFlurry at a brightly lit McDonald's.

All of their worldly possessions fit into a large suitcase. She doesn’t wonder if that is normal. Why would she?

Mama and Lien go to live with Waigong and Waipo.

\- - -

“Fathers teach, and mothers love,” wheezes Waipo (Grandmother in English, Lien’s brain supplies). She tuts disapprovingly. “Who will discipline you? Who will teach you?”

Lien wonders the same thing.

\- - -

Mama is a waitress. She works at a small roadside diner where all the tips go into a jar and are divided evenly. Even though Mama gets the most tips. Which isn’t fair.

While Mama is at work, Uncle Alex takes care of Lien. This just means that the first Saturday they spend together, he takes Lien to a candy store _and_ an ice cream shop.

Lien likes Uncle Alex.

Mama finds out, though. Then Lien goes with Mama to work. She sits in one of the squeaky, red booths and plucks unflavored coffee creamers from a spotted white bowl to drink. Life is good.

\- - -

Sometimes, Lien wonders if Mama is lonely. After all, she was married to that “lying, cheating _wang ba dan_ ” and now she’s not.

Whenever Lien asks, Mama just says, “I have you, so I am not lonely.”

\- - -

On Sundays, they go to church. The preacher is a big, smiley Lumbee Indian whose voice gets louder when he’s excited.

Lien learns about a guy who dies, or something like that. She gets animal crackers to nibble on, so she’s happy.

\- - -

For Lien’s fourth birthday, they roast chestnuts and peel them in the backyard, slapping at mosquitoes and breathing in the muggy summer air.

\- - -

Mama’s name is- surprisingly- not _Mama_. It’s Meijia. It translates to _beautiful_ _family_.

Lien thinks it's a bit ironic, seeing as her family is split- not quite in half- as far away on the earth as humanly possible. (She checks a globe, just to be certain.)

But maybe they’re a beautiful family of two. Lien is okay with that.

\- - -

Mama beams nervously. “This is Richard.” Lien looks up and up and up. Richard is tall, with fluffy white hair. She holds her hand out to shake, like Mama taught her.

“Hi there, Mr. Richard. I’m Lien, and I’m four,” she announces proudly. Four is almost all grown, Mama has said.

“It’s lovely to meet you, Lien,” Richard murmurs, kissing her hand like she’s a princess from the movies. “Your mother has told me so much about you.”

“Richard has daughter named Aless,” pipes Mama, “She is teenager. You two be good friends.” Lien peeks around Richard; maybe Aless is standing behind him? Richard chuckles in amusement.

“Aless isn’t here. She’s out with her friends, just being a teenager. You’ll meet her tomorrow.”

That night, Lien can’t sleep. She’s too excited to meet her new friend.

\- - -

Whatever Lien is expecting, Aless is not that. She is dressed in all black with steel-blue hair and a nose ring. Aless is _not_ excited to meet Lien.

“Can I go?” she drawls, picking at her nails which are painted (surprise!!) black. She is apparently already bored with their interaction.

Lien shrinks behind Mama and watches Aless’s retreating back.

“She’ll come around,” Richard assures them. _Richard is nice, unlike Aless_ , Lien thinks petulantly.

\- - -

The next time, Aless says hello and plays fairies with Lien. She flinches at shadows and the sound of footsteps outside the door but smiles faintly when Lien makes silly faces at her. When her shirt shifts, there is pretty purple-ish black on her collarbone.

\- - -

 _Aless is cool_ , Lien decides. _Despite the fact that she was mean at first. And she really, really doesn’t like Richard._

It’s true. Aless is scared of Richard, for some reason. Lien can’t figure out why. She tenses up when he’s around and doesn’t let him walk behind her. And—

umm...umm...Oh! Aless is cool. She’s still “prickly,” but also whip-smart and funny. And she doesn’t mind Lien following her around.

Aless and Lien quickly become Aless-and-Lien whenever Aless is not at school.

On the weekends, they pretend to be horseback riders, pedaling their bikes down narrow dirt roads and walking them carefully through the woods. They use chairs from the dining room to make a blanket fort, ignoring Mama’s warning that “cold goes inside body through floor.” Whatever that means.

\- - -

Some days, which Aless calls “The Bad Days,” she is calm one minute, then snappy and irritable the next.

Certain things, like sudden high-fives or people in her personal space or a whiff of cologne, make her breathe funny and turn pale.

When this happens, Lien describes random things around them, talking to fill the empty space until Aless comes back to her. Aless never apologizes for lashing out or explains why, so Lien never brings it up.

\- - -

Not long after her fifth birthday, Lien starts calling Richard “Daddy.” She’s not sure why she does this, but Richard seems to like it. It just seems like the right thing to do.

Only in her head does he remain **Richard**.

It makes Mama happy too. Her “beautiful family,” only marred by Aless who scoffs and retreats up the stairs, slamming the door.

“I’m sorry,” Richard apologizes, standing from the dinner table. “I’ll go talk to her.”

Lien and Mama finish eating; Lien is sent to play while Mama cleans up, saving two portions under smooth plastic wrap.

Walking by Aless’s room, Lien hears Richard. She doesn’t mean to listen in, really, but Richard sounds…different. Growl-y and kind of scary.

“I will **not** have your attitude at my table.” A whimper. “You will **listen** to **me**.”

Aless’s voice is a bit shaky, but is otherwise steady as she replies, “You leave her alone. She’s just a kid.” Lien wonders who they’re talking about.

Richard barks a laugh. It’s sharp like broken glass. “You’re right. She is a kid. But you’re not.”

Lien shivers, huddled with her ear pressed to the door. She hopes that Aless isn’t in big trouble.

Richard continues, “Why, you’re practically a woman, aren’t you? You know what our deal is. If you want me to leave her alone, you’ll have to give me something in return.”

A muffled cry.

Rearing back, Lien knocks into a ceramic plant pot with a thunk. The voices inside go quiet.

Lien is around the corner before the door creaks open. Barely breathing, she stays quiet. The door closes slowly. Lien bolts to her room and hides under the covers.

When Richard tucks Lien into bed, she asks if Aless got into a lot of trouble for leaving the table. Richard answers, “Nothing she can’t handle.” Lien smiles and nods.

\- - -

Aless is unpleasantly normal (or normally unpleasant) in the morning, so Lien supposes she’s okay.

\- - -

Certain nights, for no particular reason ( _no_ , Lien did not have a nightmare and crawl into Aless’s bed at two in the morning, _of course not_ ), Lien sleeps in Aless’s room. Lien is five-and-a-quarter years old. She’s not _scared_. She just...likes Aless’s pillow.

It’s nearly midnight, and Lien is drifting off to sleep when-

“Lien?” Aless whispers.

“Hrmmm?”

“Lien.”

“Hmm..”

“ **Lien**.” The urgency in Aless’s voice wakes Lien up. She sits up in bed, peering through the darkness at Aless.

“Whaaa?”

“Lien, I need you to promise me something.” Aless is deadly serious. “Whatever you do, look out for yourself. Don’t try to be noble; don’t try to be a hero. If you need to, run away from the fight, okay? Will you promise me this?”

“Alright,” Lien replies, frankly bewildered.

“No, **promise me**.”

“Fine, I double-triple pinky promise. No take backs.”

“Good.” Aless turns to face the wall. _Is Aless dying or something?_ When she asks this, Aless laughs quietly, but it’s a sad laugh. Which is _not_ reassuring.

“ **Aless** ,” Lien hisses. “ **What’s wrong?** ”

“Nothing I can’t handle,” is the only reply.

\- - -

Five months later, without warning, Aless is accepted into a boarding school for science and math geniuses. She packs and doesn’t look back.

Mama is relieved, it seems, that Aless is gone.

Lien is left with a useless promise to her long-gone sister. She’s changed her mind. Aless is _not_ cool. She **_hates_ ** Aless.

\- - -

A week later, Mama and Richard are engaged. Two more, they’re married.

Lien and Mama pack their belongings, which still fit into one large suitcase, and move into Richard’s pretty white house. Richard works from home, so he takes care of Lien while Mama goes to community college.

They’re a **beautiful family**.

\- - -

It’s kinda Lien’s fault, really. Mama is at her night classes, and Richard is helping Lien get ready for bed. He’s carefully washing her back with a cloth when she asks,

“Where do babies come from?”

Richard pauses for a second, then smiles. _It’s not his normal smile_ , Lien notes.

_Fathers teach, says Waipo._

\- - -

Richard takes his fatherly duty of teaching seriously.

In a very hands-on way, so to speak.

The first thing that Lien learns about is sex. The second thing is kissing. In that order.

She’s brimming with questions the whole time.

“Can I get pregnant?” Lien’s probably not ready to be a Mama.

“No,” Richard answers. _Good_. “You’re not old enough.” Lien scrunches up her face. She’s confused.

“But I’m old enough for this.”

Richard launches into an explanation.

“Well, you see, people don’t just have sex so they can have a baby. Sometimes they do it because it’s fun. Understand?”

“oh, okay.” The Sex kinda hurts. Lien isn’t having much fun. But Richard seems to, so Lien stays quiet. _It’s not that bad._

“Does this make you uncomfortable?” Richard asks. It does a little, but Lien replies,

“No.”

Lying is bad, says Mama. She’s not lying, though. _Stinging, burning pain is not the same as uncomfortable_ , Lien tells herself. _Feeling like you just might throw up is not the same as uncomfortable._ She thinks about picking wildflowers and braiding them into her hair.

“Is this okay?” Lien blinks fast, eyes watering. The flowers are a pretty steel-blue.

“Yes.”

“Good girl.”

\- - -

“You were named for tree,” says Mama, stroking her hair. Lien yawns and curls into her mother’s touch. “I pick when I was in labor. Lien mean graceful willow. Willow tree is strong and resilient.”

Momma smiles fondly. “My graceful Lien.”

\- - -

Richard opens the bedside drawer and pulls out a candy. Its metallic, crinkly wrapper is colored like a fresh strawberry: green leaves at the top and a mostly red middle with little, yellow seeds.

“This is our little secret, right? You’re not gonna tell your Mama, are you?” Lien pops the candy in her mouth and shakes her head solemnly.

“No, Daddy, I won’t tell.”

Lien can keep secrets. She’s a big kid.

\- - -

Lien’s seven and sitting in church, drawing a picture (three lumpy triangles for the mountains, a half-circle setting sun) when the preacher booms, “CONSUMMATION OF MARRIAGE IS A GIFT. IT IS HOLY AND PRECIOUS, A BEAUTIFUL THING TO PRESENT TO YOUR SPOUSE—” then she tunes him out. Lien grips the cerulean crayon tightly because she doesn’t want drop it again. (It rolled and rolled to the front of the church, and Lien crawled under all the pews to retrieve it. Momma was angry.)

So, she holds the crayon tight. Lien wonders what _consummation_ is (sideways threes for seagulls) and doesn’t connect that sacred image to her secret—

\- - -

Richard has a four-wheeler that he drives around his property. He lets Lien sit in front of him while he drives. When they are deep in the woods and the house is out of sight, he tells Lien to undress, pulling off his leather gloves.

“Is this okay?” he asks. Lien watches a butterfly float from a tiny blue flower to another.

“Yes.”

\- - -

A girl in Lien’s class is called to the principal’s office. She comes back after a few hours, collects her books and pencil case, and leaves. Tugging on the teacher’s skirt, Lien asks, “Why is Yvette leaving?”

The teacher looks sad and nauseous in equal parts. “Yvette’s father hit her. Nobody knew until today. Her younger brother told the school’s guidance counselor. He is very brave.”

“Is Yvette brave too?” Lien asks. She thinks it’s a good question. She also thinks the teacher might cry.

“Yes, dear. Yvette is brave too.”

\- - -

Yvette’s Mama and Daddy “separate,” which means that they don’t live together anymore. Kinda like Lien’s Mama and the “lying, cheating _wang ba dan_.” Yvette, her brother, and her Mama go to live with their grandmother.

\- - -

Sometimes, Richard makes it- it being The Sex- seem accidental (which is hilarious, she later decides. In a twisted way). He’s just giving Lien a bath, that’s all. Funny how she doesn’t feel very clean afterwards.

Sometimes, he makes it into a game.

And sometimes, there’s no pretense. He calls her upstairs and puts on a movie. Except Lien’s naked.

“Is this okay?”

“Yes.”

\- - -

There are times when Lien wonders if it _is_ okay. After all, it doesn’t feel very good. _Well_ , she thinks, _he makes Mama happy. And he doesn’t hit me like Yvette’s Daddy. So, it must be okay._ Lien sorta likes that she can make Richard happy too. Likes that she can make him proud. It’s confusing and complicated. So she doesn’t think about it much.

\- - -

“Is this okay?” Would Richard actually stop if Lien asked? She doesn’t know. She’s never tried.

“Yes.”

\- - -

Lien gets a formal education on sex when she’s eight.

Meaning, she hides in the nonfiction section of the library and reads a biology textbook.

There are little cartoonish diagrams labeled “female reproductive system” and “fallopian tubes.” She reads about puberty and hormones and “menstruation.” She learns that sperm only live for a maximum of five days in a woman’s body. Even still, Lien wonders if somehow, she could get pregnant. _Richard said no too. They can’t both be wrong._

She rereads the section just to be sure.

\- - -

Something that Lien doesn’t consider until her “formal education” is whether The Sex is wrong. But then she starts to think about it.

The preacher talks about something called “adultery.” It’s when a Mama or Daddy has The Sex with someone they’re not married to.

So Lien’s doing a bad thing. She doesn’t really want to. But she’s not stopping it either.

_It’s my fault._

\- - -

Lien is swimming at the pond when Mama asks her to grab a water bottle from inside the house.

“Yes, Mama.”

Stepping carefully on the tiles so she doesn’t slip, Lien makes her way to the storage room. (Mama doesn’t like her water cold. She likes it warm. _Gross_.) Richard corners her there.

“Hi, Lien. Are you having fun swimming?” he asks conversationally, reaching for the hem of her shirt. For the first time, Lien flinches away. _This is BAD_.

Richard makes his face look concerned (that’s the only way she can describe it. It’s not a **real** concern, but it’s supposed to look like it). Still, Lien feels guilty for making him worry. It’s her fault that he’s doing this anyway.

“Is something wrong?” Richard will be disappointed at her answer.

 _Yes_ , Lien thinks. _Something’s wrong_. She doesn’t want this, she DOESN’T-

“No,” she replies. “I’m just chilly.” Lien half-hopes that Richard will leave her alone and half-knows he won’t. His hands on her are like ice cubes running down her spine. She feels... _violated_.

“Is this okay?” Not really, but she’s still not lying because okay has a number of variable definitions.

“Yes.”

\- - -

Richard has The Sex with her one hundred and seven more times. He’s stopped asking if it’s okay. (Lien doesn’t flinch away anymore.)

It would probably be more if she counted multiple “accidents” in one day. (She tallies every day of the week that Mama spends in New York with her friends.)

During this time, Lien turns nine. Then ten.

She’s been Richard’s almost longer than she was free. Lien’s not sure how she feels about that.

\- - -

In November, Richard goes to a church conference in Birmingham, Alabama. He brings back a couple of creepy T-shirts that have apparently been “blessed.” Lien likes hers. It’s covered in eyes.

When Mama goes to class that night, Richard comes into the bathroom while Lien is showering.

 

_One hundred and eight._

\- - -

Over winter break, Richard takes Mama and Lien to Florida to visit his Mama. She’s super nice and friendly.

They go to SeaWorld and the beach.

Richard doesn’t touch her that week. But he makes up for it when they get back.

\- - -

_One hundred and nine._

\- - -

_One hundred twenty-three._

\- - -

_One hundred sixty-five._

\- - -

Lien would probably have been Richard’s forever EXCEPT-

She breaks her promise. Lien accidentally tells. Only Mama though. It’s not on purpose; it just slips out one day. It’s the middle of August. Mama drives to the community college and parks there.

“Where does he touch you?” Lien squirms. _This is awkward_. She points down. Mama looks like she might cry.

“What else does he tell you to do?” Lien shakes her head and closes her eyes. She doesn’t want to say. She hopes Mama isn’t mad at her for making it happen. For adultery-ing with Richard.

Mama asks so many questions. Lien answers a few of them, but leaves out a lot that she doesn’t want to talk about. Then, she sits in the car while Mama gets out and calls Richard. An hour later, Mama comes back.

“Richard tries to tell me that he does nothing. He lies to me.”

Mama really does cry then. Then, more questions.

“When is last time Richard ask you to do something?”

Mama is so sad that Lien doesn’t want to tell her. So she doesn’t. Not really.

Lien says, “Not in a while,” hoping that it’s vague enough. _Liar_.

Looking hopeful, Mama asks, “Richard ask you to do anything since he go to Alabama? For church conference?”  

_Oh, right. ‘Cause the POWER OF JESUS must have cured him._

“No, he hasn’t.” The words are bitter not-truths on Lien’s tongue. “I think he’s really changed.”

Lien has never considered herself to be a good liar, but maybe she is because Mama believes her. Or maybe Mama just really wants to. The drive back to Richard’s is silent.

\- - -

Mama tries to make sure that Richard and Lien aren’t alone. For a couple of weeks. Then she has to go back to school. Mama’s going to get her Bachelor's degree.

\- - -

Lien is doing her math homework when Richard comes in. He’s not smiling.

“So, you just thought that you could tell, didn’t you?” When Momma is angry, she yells. When Richard is angry, he gets really quiet.

He’s coming closer.

“D-don’t touch me!” Lien spits. She holds up her hands in defense. “I’m not afraid to tell Mama anymore!”

Richard raises an eyebrow.

“She didn’t do anything about it last time. What makes you think that telling her again would help?”

Lien’s resolve wavers. _Mama really really likes Richard. Would she believe me?_ Seeing her indecision, Richard takes the opportunity and strikes. (Verbally, that is. Physical marks are evidence. Richard is smarter than that.)

“You have no proof.” Richard leers, and Lien has to resist the urge to physically wash the weight of his gaze off. “Now stay quiet.”

 

_One hundred sixty-six._

\- - -

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Note: 
> 
> This was originally going to be a longer work that explored Lien's journey and how she copes with the trauma that she faces. I simply don't have the time to continue this story, so instead of leaving it incomplete, I've decided to just re-mark it as a one-shot. 
> 
> If you want to read a long, finished! trauma recovery story that brought me to tears, You Don't Have To (Say Yes) by luminousbeings is one that I've come back to time and time again. That story actually partially inspired this one, if only in the spirit of exploring consent and childhood trauma, as well as the format in which the writer jumps between scenes as if in a movie. It's considerably more explicit than this one, so be forewarned. 
> 
> If you're wondering what happens to Lien, Mama ends up leaving Richard. She makes no further attempt to make Lien talk about what happened. Lien mostly represses everything for a number of years. When she does begin to explore her sexuality, she succeeds in rewriting (though it takes some time) the code of discomfort and unease that Richard taught her. It takes so long because Richard never explained what exactly was supposed to feel good, so she never enjoyed what he did. But she does, eventually, come to a place where she has made as much peace with what happened as she probably can. She does not realize the extent of what Richard did to Aless until she is older. (When she does, she feels sick that she didn't notice before.) It never really occurred to her that what he did may not have been just an isolated incident. Lien does find happiness. She continues to trust too easily and forgive too readily. But she has learned that what happened was not her fault, even if the phrase "sexual abuse" is bitter on the tongue and she can never quite say it to herself without stuttering. Life isn't perfect; sometimes she is pulled into memories of what Richard did by random things, like the smell of the frozen bins in Walmart that for some reason remind her of Richard's outdoor hot tub and its various associations, or when she cannot stomach the taste of black walnut ice cream. Lien moves on, slowly, maybe unhealthily at times. She fantasizes at times about telling someone her story, talking to the air, talking to no one and everyone at once under the cover of night in her room when everyone else in the house sleeps. She tells a few, in a purge of thoughts that never seems to get rid of the darkness inside though she does feel lighter, infinitesimally. She listens to a song called "Drown," and screams the lyrics when her mind threatens to overwhelm. But only when she's home alone. She heals, or more accurately, she is healing. She will likely forevermore be in that process of healing. Lien is okay with that.
> 
> Well damn, my fingers slipped and I sort of wrote an epilogue all up in the endnotes. whoops. Anyway, all feedback is welcome, though I do moderate comments!
> 
> -Confessions


End file.
